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Drug preguntas
Sep 15
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1
Try to have a good group of friends. No, you don't have to be the most popular girl or have a billion friends, just find a few and make sure they are loyal. People are a lot less likely to make fun of a girl who has friends vs. a girl who doesn't. Reach out to people outside your clique or "stereotype" you'll find a million more nice people to hang out with!
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2
Have a few friends outside of school. When things to go wrong, you'll be glad that you have some friends who know nothing about that embarrassing burp in biology or falling asleep in physics. When you hang out with them, you can have a chance to erase your school life from your mind for a little while.
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3
Get good grades. You don't need to be a straight A student or a nerd, but study for tests, turn in your homework, and pay attention in class. If you don't have the stress of schoolwork weighing you down, then you can focus on making friends and having a fun time in high school.
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4
Stay out of trouble. Well, not entirely. Goody-two-shoes are not treated nicely. If you are going to break the rules, do it sneakily and don't get caught. If the teacher sees you passing notes in class and starts screaming at you in the middle of a lecture, the whole class will be laughing and probably talking about it after.
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5
Also learn to laugh at yourself. If you do something stupid or embarrassing and someone makes a friendly teasing comment about it, don't let it get to you. Most likely they are not trying to hurt your feelings and just want you to laugh. Make a comment about how embarrassing it was and then just shrug it off, everyone will forget about it by tomorrow.
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6
Be hygienic. Brush your teeth, wash your face, shower every day, wear deodorant, wear perfume/cologne. You WILL get made fun of if you are stinky or dirty, so be clean and all people will think when you walk by in the halls and they get a whiff of you is "Mmm! She/he smells amazing!" Not "Holy hello kitty did she/he poop her/himself?"
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7
Dress nicely. You don't need to follow the latest trend or anything, we want you to be yourself. But make sure your clothes are clean, they fit your body nicely, the colors make your skin and hair look good, and your outfit matches and is appropriate for the occasion.
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8
Make an attempt every morning to look good. Spend at least a few minutes on doing your hair, maybe doing your makeup, picking out a cute/handsome outfit for the day, and just making sure you look really nice!
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9
SMILE! Nobody will ever want to talk to the nervous sad sack in the corner, and automatically she/he becomes a defenseless target for all ridicule!
Sep 15
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1
Reach out to other teenagers. This is more important the fewer teenagers there are in your town. Chances are good that, out here, you spend a lot more time than you'd like hanging out with your family. Find a few good friends who share your feelings about your town-even if interests or personalities clash, you're in the same boat. You'll want their companionship so that you can practice having your own social life.
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2
If you live close enough, travel to a nearby city every few weeks to catch up on the lifestyle there and see the sights and sounds that just don't exist back home.
- Don't forget to save money up for these trips!
- If a large city is far away, you might have to plan ahead and stay over on a long weekend, such as Columbus Day or Memorial Day. It's still worth it, though!
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3
Keep up with trends in cities you think will attract you when you've moved away from home. You should definitely follow the norms of domestic hot spots such as New York, L.A., Boston, Seattle and Miami, but if there is an international city you're interested in the culture of, don't forget about it!
- Also try to follow some of the trends of people in your town. You wouldn't want to stick out too much, would you?
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4
Depending on where you live, you may have more or less leeway than teens living in cities, so be wise with it. For example, your parents may let you walk around on your own late in the day, whereas in the city, that's not safe because of all the idiots out there. However, you have the disadvantage of the fact that buildings and homes in the country tend to be further apart than in the city, and where you want to go may not be within walking distance. If such is the case, call up those buddies we talked about earlier and arrange a carpool!
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5
Get your license as soon as state law allows. In the city, some teenagers wait a while because everything is so close together, but in the country, that's just not an option.
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6
Enjoy some of the things about living in a rural area. For example, you can easily go apple picking in the fall, and drive around to view foliage. In the spring and summer, there are lakes you can visit (while not exactly Miami Beach, you can still work on your tan here)!
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7
Realize that living in the country as a teen does not make you immune to doing some of the stupid things that city teens seem to do. Parents of rural teenagers need to realize this too. Whether you live in the middle of Brooklyn or the middle of Wyoming, the least populous state in the Union, you are bound to know of girls who've gotten pregnant, kids who do drugs, kids who smoke, kids who steal, and kids who drink underage. Don't let it happen to you! It sounds cliche, but like the commercial always says, stay above the influence!
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8
In the country, it might be hard to find a job as a teen. Finding a job that will pay you fairly can be even harder. Don't give up, but at the same time, make sure your parents understand this so that they will still provide you with some spare cash.
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9
Do your best in school, even if the teachers and building conditions aren't that great. Nowadays, an education is key.
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10
Remember to save for college! No matter where you go, you need to go. Remember, when looking for a job in the city, a college degree is what a high school diploma was 50 years ago.
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Sep 15
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1
Avoid dressing too feminine. Don't wear neck lines that are too low on dresses for business events/presentations/anything important! Dressing a little feminine is great but know there is a fine line.
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2
Try not to giggle a lot either! That's fine if you're flirting with a adorable guy but if you want to be taken seriously, you might want to cut the giggling out and laugh just a little.
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3
Get straight to the point. Try not to muddle around talking about everything but what people need to know.
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4
Stand up for yourself! Don't let people laugh at you. That is completely unacceptable and if they do, you must make sure that they know that it's definitely not okay! If just one person is laughing, try glaring at them.
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5
Remember not to expect special treatment just because you're a girl. Chivalry is dead, especially in business.
Sep 15
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1
If you are being threatened don't show FEAR. That is what they want. Instead relax and tell yourself that you will be okay.
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2
Don't show body language like rub your nose,rub your neck, or act nervous. Then they`ll know something is up.Instead, act confident, no matter how scared you feel. Sit up tall and make eye contact. Try to fight back any feeling besides confidence.
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3
Be brave. Don't let them push you around. FIGHT BACK if they don't leave you alone. But be careful during this. Only use fighting as a last resort if you've tried everything else.
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4
Only fight back if they hit you first.This is where knowing some basic defence moves can come in handy.
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5
Avoid exaggerating any fearful emotions going on inside your head. Instead, try displaying the calm and confident part of yourself.
Sep 15
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1
Don't become someone you're not. Normal is just a word; there isn't a single person in this world who isn't just a bit odd. Don't become just another stereotype.
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2
Keep your skin clean and maintain personal hygiene. Wash your face with a mild facial cleanser twice a day, shower daily, wear deodorant and clean clothing, and brush your teeth after every meal and at least twice a day.
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3
Keep your makeup natural. If you chose to wear makeup be sure to not overdue it. Wear mascara, blush and lip gloss. If you have acne, cover it with concealer and foundation. On special occasions, wear eyeliner and eye shadow in neutral shades.
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4
Have confidence. Know that you're beautiful just the way you are. Never change yourself for someone else.
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5
Dress in comfortable, fashionable clothing. Many girls think that they need to bare it all to get noticed by boys, but this isn't true. Make sure your clothes are cute but not to revealing.
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6
Don't drink or do drugs. Drugs and alcohol ruin your health and appearance.
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7
Stay healthy. Don't eat to much junk food and sweets and exercise regularly.
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8
Don't give in to peer pressure – they only want you do things their way – they are not your true friends if they are pressuring you in the first place!
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9
Be unique and not a follower. You are a smart beautiful person who has a strong mind without any one else's input!
Sep 15
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1
Do not brag or act superior. While being smart is great, modesty rules too. Others will notice your intelligence in class, whether or not they mention it. They are bound to notice if you show it. Bragging will make you disliked.
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2
Volunteer in class. This will show that you know the answers without you having to brag. Offer to help others, by asking, "Do you need help?", especially if you see that someone is stuck on something. You can help anyone-this does not need to be only a friend. Others may only help friends, but this is because they are not as smart as you are.
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3
Make study guides. You can offer them to others, or simply leave them out in class. People are bound to notice and ask for them. Make your offer now. A study guide can be like practice problems, or simply a list of vocabulary, for example.
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4
Do all your homework. Your integrity will make you very well-known. Your teachers are bound to like you. Go the extra mile; do more than asked for. Write five paragraphs instead of one. Show your work in math. Use proper grammar in Spanish even if you are not required to. Take notes in science. Soon, a teacher might use you as an example.
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5
Don't be a nerd if you don't want to be. Being smart does not mean being "nerdish". Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a nerd, but keep in mind you can still have fun. Most likely, if you are smart, you are fast at work and have free time. Hang out with friends after school. Your nice nature is going to attract friends. In school, talk about things other than just academics sometimes.
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6
Know when people are truly a friend or using you. There are several cases to deal with depending on the person. One type of person is an acquaintance whom you help. Help this person regardless. Don't expect friendship in return for help. Another type of person is a true friend. While it is okay to be friends with people who admire you for intelligence, know the difference. True friends are the ones who help you if you are in trouble. Someone who is using you appears to act like your friend and copies off you constantly, but when you are in trouble they join in the fun. For example, if someone makes fun of you, they join in.
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7
Maintain the calmness. Even if you do encounter trouble, you should handle it withoutyelling or acting snobbish. Yelling will not do any good.
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8
Expect that people will make fun of you and be mean to you. Jealousy is the reason for it, even if it is not admitted by them. Handle them calmly and ignore them. If they continue to bother you or hit you, tell the principal or another staff member along with your parents.
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9
Study well for tests and remain constantly prepared. Those extra minutes of studying will save you in the end, leaving you more free time, better grades, and more respect as a smart student. People respect good looking, smart, and motivated people. You don't have to be nerdy to be smart. So as long as you study, once you get to class, you won't have to worry how others see you, it will show in the test grades.
Sep 14
- Start a good relationship with your parents. Good relationships improve trust. If your parents have a good reason to trust you, they will let you do more things with friends. Never lie to them. If you have lied in the past-stop and make a vow not to do it again. Tell them you want to work on having a trusting relationship with them and you will prove it to them.
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2
Enjoy a good relationship with your friends. Because your parents will let you spend more time with your friends. You can improve your relationship with them and eventually make more friends, thus improving your social status.
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3
Study hard at school. Putting 110% effort at school and getting high grades shows your peers you're hardworking and you are confident as a teen. At this age, most teens slack off and have lower self esteem. Showing your persistence gives you a better image and you will be well respected for that. You will feel good about yourself and start to like the feeling of achievement. Set goals and achieve them.
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4
Find a job. This can be any job, at the super markets, gas stations, fast food places, restaurants, department stores, anywhere. Also make sure you would devote your time to be best in performance in your job.
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5
Work hard at your job so you can get promotions. Earning money can give you a chance to do things with your friends, such as the movies, without borrowing money from your parents (if you borrow money without repaying, your parents will not trust you so much as before).
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6
Appeal to everyone. If someone you know is struggling in school, offer help and become friends with them. Reaching out to others shows you are a helpful person and enjoy helping.
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7
Join clubs and sports. Doing extra curricular activities shows dedication and sportsmanship. Keep up with these activities and your schoolwork, however, or it may be too hard to handle.
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8
Take honors or AP classes. These classes push your ability and force you to work harder, but benefit you a lot in the long run. However taking too many of these classes can be overwhelming. Only take what you know you can handle.
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9
Be happy. Taking all the honors/advanced classes in the world won't matter if you become depressed from all the work. Take time for yourself and spend it on a hobby. Bring in a relationship is also a good way to cheer yourself up. It can be a best friend or a boy/girlfriend. Just make sure the relationship is balanced.
Sep 14
- Know and take pride in your beliefs. Have all your opinions and beliefs secured and don't let anyone make you feel discouraged about your own decisions.
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2
Have a goal set. Write down what your official goal is, make it as realistic as possible.
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3
Break down your goal into reasonable steps. Working your way up is good way to have better mindset in what you are doing and to know it well.
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4
Analyze the rules and setbacks of your situation. Determine which rules are worth abiding and which are not. Either plain breaking them or finding a loophole is acceptable.
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5
Challenge rules that you think are unreasonable. Don't be afraid to call out an adult on an unreasonable. The best way to get to an ignorant adult is to do this blankly and properly. Do not show any emotion or attitude to reach to their level.
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6
If you are looking for friends who will support you and your goal, surround yourself with more mature, rational friends. Someone who sees through the rules of adults or just plain challenges them.
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7
Never, ever, EVER say thank you to someone who says you are "mature for your age". Most dumb adults have a complete understatement on children. Do not reply or blankly correct them on their ignorant statement
Sep 14
- Talk about your problem with your parents. Many parents are overprotective simply because they love you. They see potential danger in many mundane situtaions. For example: They tell you what to do and how to do it, and should you ask to go somewhere alone with a friend, they may decide to not let you go, or to let you go only seldom. Some parents treat you like a kid because you are. But sometimes, your parent(s) are over-reacting and over-reaching. Tell your parent how you feel. Listen to their responses. They may have some wisdom that you lack, simply due to their being older. But, sometimes, they are simply acting out their fears, and you are caught in the crosshairs.
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2
Recognize your own personhood. You're a person, just like everyone else, and you deserve your own identity, especially if you're over 18 and have a job and paying your own way in the world. If you find yourself always adopting your mom's or dad's likes or dislikes, consider why you do so.
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3
Identify your fear factor. Are you afraid that your mom and/or dad won't love you any more if, for example, you don't like nachos, while they do? Do you refrain from voicing questions about authority figures like politicians for fear of getting a long, boring lecture? Are you a little bit scared of your mom or dad? Do you find yourself going to one for guidance, but never the other; relieved when the other is not home? If one parent instills more fear than anything else, you may have a controlling parent.
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4
Ask yourself if your parent is a perfectionist. Often a controlling parent is an extreme perfectionist, driving you always to "be the best you can" and getting angry or upset over grades that are less than perfect, no matter how hard you work for them, or finding fault with tasks you take on around the home. There's nothing wrong with insisting on excellence, or doing a job right, but it may seem like no matter how hard you work on it, it's never perfect. In other words, do you ever just receive praise from that parent, or is it always justified with a "but," or "except…"? Example: "That is a beautiful little model you made. If not for that one little mess-up with the paint right there, it would be perfect."
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5
Identify when so-called games are really control exercises. Some parents, believe it or not, become quite competitive with their children. In other words, a man will see his sons growing up, and suddenly realize that his son is becoming the young bull that he once was himself. To maintain his "alpha dog" status, he may engage the son(s) in bizarre "feats of strength."
- Example: The father points a finger and exclaims, "I have all the power I need in this one finger!" Then he will proceed to tickle one of them rather more forcefully than is pleasant. No amount of the boy politely asking him to stop will work – the father will continue to force the boy to submit to this "game" as long as any onlookers appear amused, or until he tires of it. The boy doesn't dare to actually tell his father to knock it off – this would result in punishment. After tormenting his son in this way (sometimes to the point of tears), the father will often say, "Come here, son," and hug and kissthe boy, perhaps apologizing, but definitely talking to him in a kind, fatherly way, and assuring the boy that he was "just playing with him." The truth is, by giving the boy a little bit of what he craves (kind attention, love, and approval), he keeps the kid hooked into the idea that he really means no harm. But the message is clear: No matter what, I can control you – with just one finger. Or, more than likely, wants to maintain the father-son relationship (with him in the superior, authority position) rather than allowing growth into a normal, healthy, man-to-man relationship as the child ages.
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6
Know if your parent is a "collector." Lots of controlling people tend to hoard things. Books, comics, furniture, toys from childhood… one of the recognizable traits of a controlling individual is that s/he has a hard time letting go of things, even if it's just a box from a childhood toy. This doesn't mean that if your Mom collects Precious Moments statues, she's automatically controlling. But if there's a real hoarding tendency – it's a red flag to look for . One of the ways your parent controls his or her world is by keeping practically everything s/he's ever owned.
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7
Don't touch his or her things. If your parent gets upset when you straighten her desk, put her clothes away, pick up a stack of magazines he was reading, or put his tools in the garage to make room for the family to eat dinner at the table, there's a good chance you're dealing with an overly controlling parent. This parent always wants to be the one to move his or her things, and nobody else. Again, we're talking extremes here, not just aggravation over a careless rearranging of his/her belongings. Be honest – do you put the tools back where they came from, or just shove them to the side? If you treat your parents' belongings like you want them to treat your things, normally, your parents will notice your maturity and appreciate your willingness to participate in household tasks.
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8
Think about whether there are other signs of controlling behavior. A controlling person rarely just attempts to control one person. Do others in the family or among your parents' friends get this treatment, too? It will be more subtle from adult to adult. But it can take many forms, such as always showing up late (s/he controls when the party starts, because it doesn't really start till s/he gets there), or overturning the original plans in favor of something s/he wants to do instead. Also, "one-upping" is a usual trait of a controlling person: Someone tells a story, and then your parent will chime in with , "Oh that's nothing.When I had that job, I was blah blah blah…" Nobody has ever done as good a job, as hard a job, climbed as high, worked as hard, got paid as much.
This behavior can also be a sign of personal insecurity. Notice how your parents act and react in social settings. If there are self-esteem issues at play, often the adult will try to play up their achievements to gain the approval of their peers. To cope with this behavior, simply recognize it and either excuse yourself from the discussion, or make neutral statements. Agreeing with their boasting claims only encourages them to continue to seek validation from others.
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9
Consider whether status is important to him or her. A controlling person is often a little insecure. Does s/he tell people how much money s/he makes – even in subtle ways? "Yep, this cost a pretty penny, but I make a LOT of money and I can afford it." Many times, reminding people of how much money they make is a way of establishing control, or at least allowing the parent to feel s/he has a superior position in whatever situation s/he is in. Again, coping is all about simply not engaging or arguing with these statements.
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10
Watch for attempts to isolate you, or to trivialize the influence of other loved ones. Control is easier to establish and maintain if you have few people around besides your controlling parent(s). If your parent keeps you away from grandparents, aunts and uncles, or friends, it's a warning sign. Or, if your parent encourages relationships with others, but then says bad things about those people after they're gone, that's a clue, too. Saying things like, "Your uncle is a nice guy, but for a guy so smart about trout fishing, he has no ambitions above where he is right now. His house is tiny, and he'll probably never be able to do any better than that," tells you that your parent does not respect your uncle at all – in fact, this kind of remark is intended to influence your opinion and respect for your uncle. Perhaps your uncle is a nice and good person with low ambitions – he may be content with little, and therefore shuns promotions – he would rather have less money but more time to go fishing, which costs next to nothing. There's nothing wrong with this philosophy – it is a simple life choice. Your parent will have made a different one, perhaps his/her life choice is to be driven and rise higher and higher up the corporate ladder while your not-so-ambitious uncle prefers his simpler, less complicated life and doesn't mind that it also means he makes less money. The choice is value neutral – it is simply a matter of preference in the big picture, but your parent doesn't respect anyone who doesn't constantly strive, clawing his/her way up – again, a different philosophy and nothing wrong with it. But - your parent really doesn't want you taking your uncle's example, and what s/he is really saying is, "Listen to me, kid, because even though your uncle is nice, he's a loser, and you don't want to end up like him." The parent then makes sure you realize that it's his or her own advice you should always take, and never anyone else's, utterly rejecting a different life philosophy, and in the process, attempting to persuade you to reject not only the philosophy, but the person.
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11
Recognize whether your parent takes your successes and/or failures personally. A controlling person is a perfectionist, most of the time. A lot of times, parents – even non-controlling ones – live vicariously (which means, they experience it through others) through their children. They see you as their big chance to right wrongs they did, to help you avoid mistakes they made. When you mess up by not unexpectedly (even though you actually did study or work at it) bringing home a C instead of an A, you are berated for it, maybe even grounded, and studying is suddenly even more important than before. In your mind, working hard only to receive a C means that was not your best subject. In your parent's mind, nothing less than perfection is acceptable. You feel like the parent is riding you harder than ever before, and the reason is that the parent identifies so strongly with you, that s/he takes your shortcoming as his or her own personal failure. By the same token, if you're the starting quarterback on your school's football team, and you score the game-winning touchdown, your parent may clap you on the back and then start taking credit: "That new training regimen we worked out has done wonders – see, didn't I tell you that if you did everything I told you to, it would pay off big time?"
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12
Be aware of attempting to please, or setting a goal of gaining their approval. Controlling parents are still parents. You love them, they love you. The actual goal of the parent is to help you, although it may seem toxic to you. The danger of being indoctrinated by controlling behaviors from an early age, however, is that no matter how clear it is to you that your parent is being toxic to you, that parent has "trained" you to attempt to gain approval. You may be willing to sacrifice your own dreams in order to achieve this. For example, you may realize that you are interested in art. Your parent scorns artists because, in his or her view, artists don't make enough money. Your parent has "done all the research," and decided that electronics engineering or civil planning or business administration is the proper path for you to take so that you can earn a good living and support yourself (and your family, if necessary). You really have zero interest in any of them, but you volunteer willingly because your parent heartily approves of this path for you. At the very best, you will always regret not having at least given your own dreams a chance. At the very worst, you will live a life of misery, grinding out day after dull, endless day in a job you hate – and you'll continue to do that long after your parent has passed away. Live your own life. Make your own decisions. A controlling parent can only control you until you are of the age of majority. After that, it's your responsibility to live your own life, on your own terms. No amount of approval from a controlling parent is ever going to replace your day to day contentment with your life, if you allowed your fear or desire for approval to take away the dreams you had for it. They can force you to pretend to be something you're not, but they can't change who you actually are.
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13
Don't fight them on every little thing, and when you do fight, be respectful. There's very little that sets off a bout of controlling behavior as quickly as defiance. Learn to go with the flow, and just let your parent vent his or her "stuff." Be polite and compassionate, and remember – just like most of what goes on with this parent, it's much more about your parent than it is about you. This doesn't mean you have to capitulate every time. Don't raise your voice, and be firm. If you appear to waffle or be unsure, they will take that as invitation for them to control your life. Pick your battles carefully, and choose to defend the really important things, while letting little things go.
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14
Learn to work with your parent. Most controlling parents are simply afraid that you will fail without their intervention. Because they are somewhat insecure, controlling parents feel it is necessary to involve themselves in every aspect of your life – some schools call them "helicopter parents" because they hover so low over their nearly grown up children. If you can discover what seems to mollify your parents, you will set them off less often, and make your own life much easier. For example, if you know that a note from your teacher telling them you haven't turned in your last three homework assignments will result in you being grounded for two weeks or more, make sure you turn the homework in. It's pretty simple really: do what your parents want you to do, as far as it is good for you, and they will be less intrusive in your life. If their controlling extends to trying to make important life choices for you (choice of college, major, job, marriage, kids, etc.) then that's too far. Don't let them make important decisions for you, and do what's right for yourself above what they want. Once you are an adult, it's your life, not theirs. That being said, if they have objections with actual reasons that seem sound, consider them carefully and talk with others who have been in similar situations before. Get input from people you trust, who aren't your parents.
- Working with the parent instead of against is very important – a lot of times, this parent is looking to you for validation as much as s/he wants you to look to him or her for that same validation. If, occasionally, you can suck up all of your resentment and go to your parent for guidance, no matter how trivial, you may see the evidence of this. Your parent is very likely just waiting for the moment when you realize the value of his or her input and voluntarily ask for it, rather than him or her just inserting it into every situation. By doing this, you allow the parent to relax somewhat because they will feel more like you are actually listening to them, rather than them just hammering at you constantly while you stick your fingers in your ears and go "La la la I can't hear you." And who knows – your parent might actually give you some very exceptional guidance. The reality with this sort of parent is that their message is usually right, where the rubber meets the road. It's the delivery method of the message that sucks. Sometimes, the parent is actually unable to see why that matters.
- How to Deal With Impossible People
- How to Pay Attention When You Are Confused
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15
Establish your independence as early as possible. You may have to "play along" until you go to college. But if you are very smart (and most children of controlling people are – because controlling people are usually really smart, too), you will study hard in school and give yourself lots of options for college. Even if you go to school locally, it's suggested that you try to live on-campus in the dorms, or anyplace other than your parents' home. Get a job and help with your own living expenses (this is where that great GPA you had to earn comes in really handy – if you can get some scholarships to pay for tuition, you just need to come up with living money). The sooner you get out from under the shadow of a controlling parent, the sooner the parent will have no choice but to recognize your Declaration of Independence, and ratchet back the controlling behaviors. Once you get a job and are financially independent, you no longer have to go along with their control over your life. Don't burn any bridges unnecessarily, though. Just be firm and don't leave things open for negotiation. If they won't take no for an answer, just politely decline without offering any reasons. "I'm afraid that won't be possible." If they keep on pushing you, and won't let you change the topic, then just leave and wait a while before seeing them or talking to them again.
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16
Learn how to avoid being controlled through anger. Some parents control their family and/or individual members with their anger. They really lose their temper, lose all self-control, and the result is no discussion. People are afraid to voice an opinion contrary to the angry parent because they fear what will happen ("Just do it – we don't want him getting angry again."). This is how anger is used to control you. If you can talk to this parent, ask for the 3 minute rule approach. This is how this is done:
- Each side gets 3 minutes to state its case, during which the other side will listen. At the end of this 3 minute exchange, the argument will stop for an agreed time (an hour, a day, etc.) to give both parties time to reflect on the argument of the other side.
- Then if necessary, have another go at the 3 minute each discussion. Using this approach allows everyone to be heard and also provides for some "cooling off" time, which can help manage conflict.
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17
Remember that, ultimately, your mind is yours alone. It can only be controlled if you allow it to be. Controlling behaviors are, in the final analysis, the controller's attempt to meet his or her own needs. When you do something, even if you feel you are forced, see if you can find a reason to want to do it. If the controlling parent demands good grades, don't do poorly out of spite. This only gives the controller further evidence that you need him or her. Find the ways good grades benefit your own goals. You're the strong one when you find ways to meet their needs and yours, without allowing them to get into your mind.
Sep 14
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1
Engage in dialogue. Conversation is key in any sort of power balancing situation. Be clear about what you want and what the other person wants. Stick to facts and avoid insinuating or stating that the other person is wrong or that they're causing a problem. Always focus on the matter, desired behavior or outcome, and not on the personal traits of another.
- Try to talk face to face and not through text messages, emails, or phone conversations. Facial and body language are an important source of clarification and humanizes the interaction, while technology tends to distance us. It is far easier to forget how we can harm others with a barb or insult through the interface of the computer, whereas seeing someone's reaction in front of us clarifies this instantly.
- Avoid getting defensive or speaking in negative tones. As soon as you sound whining, victimized or angry, the emotions start to get the better of the conversation.
- Be sure to listen carefully and to get clarification when necessary. Don't be scared to ask questions, they're a great way to get more insight into the other person and their thoughts. It's also fine to ask for clarification of things that you don't understand, even if it's about the other person's emotions.
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2
Bear in mind that both of you might have a valid perspective of a conflict regardless of the power balance. This can be confronting for both of you but it is also empowering, as potentially you have a range of solutions available provided you can accept that both sides are valid perspectives. It would be unusual if there were only one right way to achieve most things.
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3
Define the conflict as a mutual matter. From the outset, the person holding the position of more power may be inclined to state the problem as being one caused by the person with less power. This needs to be challenged immediately by defining the problem as a mutual issue, so that there is no attempt to seek one person giving in totally. Here are some ways to get mutual buy-in to the conflict:
- "We have a problem we both need to resolve."
- "We seem to have a difference of opinion as to how to go about resolving this matter. We need to find a shared solution."
- "We need to negotiate over this."
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4
Practice restraint. If you are the person holding the high power position, you can limit your own power rather than using it to gain an upper hand. Refrain from continued destructive patterns, either of speech or action. Be aware of your own behavior and regulate yourself. Look for opportunities to express concern for reaching a state of equality.
- Be aware of the need to pace. This is especially important when an extrovert and an introvert are in a conflict situation. The extrovert will often want a problem solved nowand will focus on discussing the problem now until it's solved. An introvert will be more inclined to avoid confrontation and feel cornered, shutting down if the extrovert won't allow time for reflection and postponement of the discussion. In this case, an extrovert may sense a position of power and it is important to recognize the need of the introvert to take time out and think through things first. Of course, the introvert can then assume the position of power if they never come back to the problem, in which case, the extrovert needs to set a time limit to come back to resolution without nagging in the interim.
- Understand that there is a difference also between people who "think" (analyzing, clarifying and strategizing solutions) and people who "feel" (emotional perspective and focus on feelings). Thinkers will tend to focus on confrontation, while feelers will seek harmony and avoidance of conflict. In this case, balance needs to be found from both sides, so that the feeler stops fearing confrontation all the time, while the thinker stops seeing every situation as needing confrontation.
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5
Focus on interdependence. If you find yourself in the low power position, emphasize the interdependence that you and the other person have between each other. High power individuals will likely avoid this and minimize any recognition of interdependence. Point out emotional, behavioral, economic, or other dependence on each other. This is especially important in close or intimate relationships. Focus should not be put on the amount of power or influence that each person has over the other, but on achieving the balance between them and drawing each other into mutual understanding.
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6
Rely on calm persistence. Significant change in power relations rarely comes from radical or aggressive confrontation. Careful and thoughtful understanding and planning will likely lead to small but important changes. Avoid rising to bait or getting wound up; instead, focus on coming back to the point that you specifically stated in step one, the want that you're absolutely clear about. Also refer to the want that you understand the other person as having; reminding them that you haven't lost sight of their want is empowering for both of you.
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7
Stay actively engaged. Never accept or give in to defeatist attitudes; this is tantamount to effacing yourself and letting the other person use power to belittle you. Remember that no power position is a permanent condition. Be sure to speak your mind but also stick to providing "big picture" and balanced ideas. Stay connected to your values and the outcome that you perceive as worthy throughout times of intensity or difficulty in your dialog with the other person.
- A conflict should only be avoided or ignored where it is trivial or not important. Otherwise, it needs to be dealt with, whatever your power relationship. An ignored little conflict can soon grow into an enormous one. Don't confuse temporary withdrawal from conflict with being defeatist though––time for reflection and cooling down is always valuable. Just be sure to come back to the matter for final resolution.
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8
Seek third party intervention. Sometimes there is a need for outside help, where it is clear that both of you are simply going around in circles, being stubborn or cannot reach a conclusion that is fairly balanced. It may also be necessary if the conflict has become intolerable or is damaging you. It is a sign of strength from both of you call in an arbitrator in such a situation. This could be achieved though mediators or counselors. Never be scared to ask for outside help; it may be just what you need and it is never a poor reflection on your own worth.
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